There’s trouble brewing in Hidden Valley, America.

The nations most beloved salad dressing being attacked by a bunch of granola-eating, tree-hugging hipsters who forage artisanal beets sold on food trucks.

Click here to join Todds American Dispatch: a must-read for Conservative !~ ATAGEND

Consider this recent headline from the pages of The Washington Post: Ranch garmenting is whats wrong with America .~ ATAGEND

Columnist Ben Adler fired off an unhinged diatribe on Americas favorite salad dressing calling it milk-rot and warning that it could destroy Planet Earth.

Its disgusting, the writer proclaimed. It savor like exactly what it is, which is milk thats halfway rotten. Why would anyone want to take something that they would throw out if they unexpectedly smelled it in their fridge and put that on their salad?

Ranch salad dressing can cover a multitude of sins- from bean sprouts to vegan egg salad. It stimulates everything go down easier.

Mr. Adler also has a problem with air conditioning, Hummers, and Pizza Huts new Grilled Cheese Stuffed Crust Pizza.

Defiling pizza by turning its crust into a fake grilled cheese sandwich, or by putting ranch garmenting on it, is the culinary equivalent of setting your air conditioner to 62 degrees or driving a Hummer, he opined.

ELECTION SPECIAL: Get Todds latest volume God Less America for half-off !~ ATAGEND

The writer sounds like one of those pretentious fellows who putters around on a solar-powered Vespa, sipping kale smoothies from a Mason jar while ruminating on the contemplations of renowned climatologist Al Gore.

Putting Ranch on salad at least has a rationale: Many people dont appreciate vegetables and feel compelled to slather everything in processed fat. Fine, he wrote derisively. But why would anyone use it on French fries? Because deep-fried food isnt greasy and caloric enough? And putting it on pizza a horrifying, common practice is insane because pizza is already dripping with mozzarella.

Id bet good fund this guy has a predesignated safe space.

Mr. Adler writes for Grist, an organization that fears a looming climate apocalypse. And if Im reading this correctly, he seems to believe Ranch salad dressing figures prominently in the End of Days.

Our vulgar extravagance is going to destroy the planet and starve the global poor, he alerted. Unless we moderate our habits, we will run out of resources to feed the Earths 7 billion-and-growing population and cause massive climate disruption.

Hes even got a problem with organic, locally sourced beef.

But no matter where you create the beef for your burger, its still less healthy and more carbon-intensive than vegetables and thats before you put the Ranch garmenting on the fries, he wrote.

I really dont understand the writers antagonism towards Ranch salad dressing. Perhaps his mother bought the generic brand instead of Hidden Valley?

I could understand if it was Catalina or Paul Newmans Poppyseed Dressing. But Hidden Valley?

I believe their salad dressing makes the world a better place. Its a fine flavoring an American condiment.

Ranch salad dressing can cover a multitude of infractions from bean buds to vegan egg salad. It builds everything go down easier.

All things considered, perhaps I should bring a bottle with me when I vote on Election Day.

Todd Starnes is host of Fox News& Commentary, hear on hundreds of radio stations. His latest book is “God Less America: Real Narratives From the Front line of the Attack on Traditional Values .” Follow Todd on Twitter @ToddStarnes and find him on Facebook.

Read more: www.foxnews.com